been awhile

6/2/2026, 6:20:33 PM
It's been awhile, I guess. So here I am. Blogging is such a weird thing because I always feel like I have nothing important to say or to put out into the world. Other people always come across as more put together and interesting than me. There was a time, back in middle school, where I'd write 4k words a day. Most of it was garbage, but I didn't care. I wrote it for me, because it made me happy to do it. Nowadays there's some part of me that feels performative, like I need to prove that what I do is worthwhile.

Maybe I can change that, though. The more I blog the more I build a habit.

Speaking of habits, I've been working on eating better. I've noticed my digestive health has GREATLY improved since I started this. I also want to lose weight - but I am trying not to focus on that. My focus is on feeling good, doing more, and getting stronger - primarily for pole dance. The rest of the results can come after that.

I went to the dentist today and I have 2 little cavities to fill so that sucked, but better than other stuff I've been through. And I had great teeth for 4 years straight, so it was bound to happen again at some point. Does anyone else suffer with bad genetics like this???

I need to update the site more - I want to add new content and update... well, everything. I've done a good bit of cooking lately though I didn't take pictures of everything I made.

health!

5/21/2026, 8:27:50 PM
Well, I'm back. And good news - I feel a lot better. I'd say I feel normal, but I do still have a little weirdness in my voice. I can finally sing - to a point - along to music in my car, so my will to live has increased quite a bit. Sadly at some higher notes my voice totally cuts out still but maybe a week from now I'll be at 100%. Also, ALLERGIES! They are kicking my ass. I have been sneezing so much, and there's so much mucus. Can't wait for this to be truly over.

But aside from that, all is well. It's a long weekend for me, so I can actually relax. I'm going to my first Ren faire this weekend so I am excited for that. Unfortunately it's calling for rain so I can only hope that it's not too bad and we can actually get some nice photos.

In my spare time, I've been on Pokefarm a lot. I go through phases with that sort of thing and just clicking for hours is oddly satisfying something within me. I have gone back to pole class which was difficult because I wasn't quite physically ready, I don't think. I was meant to go back today, but I didn't due to rain and just general fatigue. I'll be back at it next week.

sunday sads

5/10/2026, 8:08:58 PM
today, i'm sad. it's the kind of sad that just sits itself right in the pit of your stomach and stays there the entire day. honestly, i think it's the combination of still not having much of a voice, missing 3 weeks of pole, sitting in the house for weeks on end, and feeling incredibly disconnected from everything and everyone. not to mention, i guess i started spotting today so there's that. usually that's the sign that things will get better moodwise but life's genuinely just been kind of shit. i don't even know how to articulate what i want, how i feel, or what i need. i just ... feel sad.

may

5/7/2026, 10:52:13 AM
It's been a few days since I last blogged, but I am alive. My cough has lessened A LOT - I'd say 90%. I do cough a little and it's crunchy and gross, but tolerable. The problems now are I have laryngitis and my voice goes in and out. And, I slept weird, so I somehow compressed a nerve in my right hip - causing my thigh to go numb. It's so weird, but that's kind of just my life now. I won't lie and say that the state of my body and health hasn't depressed me. It has. I've been feeling the weight of all of this on my mental health a lot recently. So much that I was up untiil 5AM last night and it's 11AM now - I slept 3 hours before I had to get up to work from home.

And thank God I get to work from home, because I haven't been able to stand being out and about so far. Even though being here all the time is exhausting me and making me feel like a piece of shit.

I miss pole dancing class. Today is usually the day I'd go, but I can't go while my body is still recovering. I am pretty sure by next week I will be at 100% again but in the meantime, I'm just mentally and physically exhausted of the situation. I feel so disconnected from everything I care about right now. I just want to feel normal again and then maybe be able to like... I don't know, feel happy?

Anyway, time to stop whining and get back to trying to be productive on 3 hours of sleep amidst a depressive episode.

sickness update

4/30/2026, 9:07:12 PM
So i had a virus that became a bacterial infection. Thankfully, I am on steroids and antibiotics, so that's helped a lot. However, I am still stuck with this awful cough. So awful in fact that I've coughed myself into gags and back spasms multiple times now.... just thinking about feeling this way for another few weeks makes me so upset. I don't know about you, but I'd rather throw up than cough for weeks on end. At least there's some relief after you do that. But with this??? It's constant, it hurts my back and it feels gross.

The worst part about being sick by and far has been no kisses from my partner, who I don't want to get sick or deal with my nasty like that. He gives me forehead and cheek kisses and hugs, even back rubs, but I just miss him in general. :(

I am going back to work tomorrow, at least for awhile. I feel awful for missing our most important week of the year, and I know I'm doing what's best for me and them. But still...

Hopefully I can feel 100% soon.

ENFP growth

4/24/2026, 7:17:37 PM

I routinely (every few years) retake the 16personalities quiz. So interesting that I am getting more and more ENFP-A every time...

god save me

4/24/2026, 1:19:46 PM
This week has been pretty shit overall. I woke up today with a sore throat, which I haven't had yet. Spent money and time to talk to a Teladoc who told me it's likely viral, unless it doesn't improve in 48 hours, in which case spend more time and money to get seen (again) for antibiotics. As much as I could go on a tangent about American healthcare, I won't. But I've lost my voice, mostly - it hurts to talk, and I am working from home. Despite me telling my coworkers about this, it still seems like I am expected to be operating at 100%. I've had to make phone calls when I can't talk and that's been so, so frustrating.

Next week is a huge week for us at work, and I know it will probably be ten times worse. So I don't even get to relax or be happy that I survived this week knowing that all that is ahead which is super frustrating. Summer is around the corner, though, and I am appreciative that it will soon be truly quiet at work and I can't just... not want to rip my own throat out on a weekly basis. Theoretically.

(I swear I used to love my job once.)

Other than all of that, I feel crummy - not just because I'm sick and can't operate like a functional adult - but because I can't get much, if any, movement. I am just tired. I don't have it in me right now to try and go outside or to even stand up and walk around our place. I know the body needs what it needs and taking time to let my immune system work is not a bad thing, but it doesn't stop me from feeling like I'm losing progress on my fitness and health goals. The logical side of the mind doesn't really stand a chance against my emotional side, unfortunately.

At any rate, I know all of this - even if it isn't next week - will pass. Things will get better. But for now, I'm going to be grumpy about it.

blahhh

4/23/2026, 9:43:49 AM
Unfortunately for me, I have developed some sort of chest cold. It's been mild in terms of things I've dealt with in the past - at least my sinuses are clear. But the thick gross feeling in my chest and occasional cough really have me feeling less than optimal. I called out of work yesterday so I am playing catch up today. I would've stayed home today but I am in charge of keeping the main office open today so I had no choice. I hate how jobs can be. In terms of work though I am lucky. I get a lot of flexibility and trust. I have a good team in my corner.

I usually do my pole dance classes on Thursdays, but I luckily already canceled tonight's a week ago due to financial reasons. My cat got sick last week and that put a dent in my budget that I wasn't expecting. Now my body just wants rest anyways - so much so that I slept basically 16 hours yesterday - so it's for the best. I do hate being sedentary though, even if it is easy to just keep being that way a lot of the time. I just don't always have the energy to put in the level of effort I should.

This morning my partner made me breakfast and gave me some cuddles which I think really motivated me more than anything else. I usually wake up last minute and go to work with nothing in my stomach, but when he's not working his night shift and he's home, it's nice that he takes care of me. I love him so much!

Since I've gotten to work this morning, I've done four things off my task list, and it's only been 1 hour. At this rate, I will be able to keep it lowkey for the rest of the day... so long as no students or faculty come in needing something too involved. I'm not even tired exactly, since I slept so much, but I definitely don't feel like doing all of this. It's nice to have a blog on my site now, and I hope I can stick true to it!

That's my update for now, I suppose. I may check in later, who knows. Until then, have a good day or night, reader.

First blog

4/21/2026, 10:05:20 AM
I've wanted to start a blog on my neocities for awhile but I haven't been able to figure out the best way to do it. Hopefully this serves the purpose I want it to. I've been feeling more serious about getting things rocking and rolling around here. I am currently at work doing this instead of actually delving into a project work-wise, but there's always time for that later. For now, I'm listening to my boyfriend in a call on discord as he plays resident evil requiem so I can ignore the chaos of this office for now. It's too hard to focus when there's so many things happening in such a small space.

At any rate, I hope you are doing well reader, and let's look forward to more blog posts. Maybe things that are actually interesting to read.